Me Time and Ambient Time: If you want to live like “Friends”, you have to be a friend

You feel stressed by the unanswered messages on your phone. It’s okay not to respond.” "Your girlfriend is celebrating her birthday, but you have zero socializing energy? Cancel!" "You actually have to leave for your appointment in five minutes, but you'd rather have me time on the couch? Treat yourself to it!"

I believe that if you implement all the tips you read on Instagram about friendships, you will soon have no friends left. Because the trend towards hyper-individualism doesn't stop with well-intentioned advice. Lately I’ve been coming across more videos from “loneliness influencers”. Mostly women who romanticize being alone. They show themselves eating cake in the café, cuddling with the cat or doing everyday tasks - always alone. The videos have titles like: "POV: You live in New York, have no friends and spend your Saturday like this."

Of course, there's nothing wrong with spending time alone. But behind the “no friends aesthetic” there is a sad reality: young people have fewer and fewer friends and many of them feel lonely. This is not only sad because they are missing out on the most beautiful thing in the world, but also dangerous. Loneliness harms us as humans.

Most people want to have friends. But why don't they have any? If you ask experts, they will quickly talk about smartphones. Analogue contacts are continuing to decline due to cell phones. And if those are missing, friendships will eventually be missing too.

There is definitely something to that, but I often encounter another contradiction. Many rave about the friendships in “Friends.” Like Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey, Chandler and Ross, they constantly want to spend time together. But in reality, they often prioritize Me Time. But do we really think that doom scrolling on the couch for three hours instead of spending time with our best friends will bring us more relaxation?

One reason for the desire for Me Time, in addition to our everyday lives dictated by capitalism, is the eventization of friendship. If you just hung out as a teenager, the meetings with our friends change as we get older. We arrange to meet up at the cinema, go to a restaurant together or have a go at it. And don't get me wrong, I love cinema, restaurants and bars, but sometimes it's too much to do. Hanging out at home is also possible together.

I recently learned a term that can get us out of trouble. The musician Amelia Meath raves about “Ambient Time” in the “Mentor Buffet” podcast. Time spent with friends without doing anything. Two people prepare dinner, others do a puzzle or read a book.

There has been more “ambient time” in my life since children came into the circle of friends. Now we arrange to meet for coffee at 9 a.m. and then spend the whole day together unplanned. We lie on the floor surrounded by Duplo stones and pretzel crumbs, sometimes talking, sometimes in silence, often laughing. We hang out in the yard while one hangs up the laundry, the other drinks coffee or plays with the kids in the sandpit. But “Ambient Time” doesn’t need children, it just needs will.

Recently I was surprised with a declaration of love. A good friend sent us a photo of a toilet door on which someone had scrawled: “tell you friends you love them today.”