The truth: Volxfest Oktoberfest with canned beer

Actually, early autumn is in the morning air, but the smartly dressed visitors are already grumbling at the entrance. Because what does entrance mean here? The Theresienwiese is fenced in and endless queues have been waiting at the nine different entrances for hours.

Reason for the forced break: If you want to go to Oktoberfest, you have to choose one of nine genders! For some:e*x, self-discovery takes a while, for others it comes to spontaneous coming outs - in the meantime, homophobes struggle with their secret impulses. But that's what the queer propaganda organizers, who have joined forces to form the “Red October” alliance, have planned this year.

Wristbands are handed out at the counters that strictly regulate access to the nine different toilet facilities on the festival grounds. If you want to go to the toilet later without queuing, it is best to choose a particularly minority gender, for example those from Wittelsbach or Hohenzollern.

Anyone who sneaks into the wrong safe space while drunk will be searched by the stewards and released into the festival tents wearing discreet make-up. The fact that the rudely laughing security force is made up of Antifa members recruited across Germany has already led to vehement protests from the middle-class milieu.

There is plenty to be excited about this year. The shooting galleries on the way to the festival tents have recently caused discontent on social media. Here, photos of representatives of healthy Germany such as Konrad Adenauer and Adolph von Knigge are happily pelted with arrows or shot at with small-caliber ammunition. This fuels hatred of everything that we Germans hold dear and value - Ulf Poschardt is said to have already suffered a hysterical nervous breakdown! Apparently the plenum even toyed with the idea of ​​setting up small guillotines that would playfully decapitate puppets of government members; but it would probably have been too expensive.

Raised eyebrows also in front of the rides: On the roller coasters, like in the whole of Germany, it only goes downhill - the fun is over in a minute and a half. In the ghost train, visitors are supposed to be frightened by normal Germans who eat sausage goulash and plan mass deportations. However, this backfires; many find the love of their life here.

The chain carousels are dangerous this year. The serving proles are constantly losing or breaking their chains, abandoned seats are constantly rolling across the Theresienwiese, sometimes someone is even sitting in them. Of course, the only important thing to the Oktoberfest Junta is that victims with whiplash get their own representative!

What knocks the bottom out of the beer barrel: The festival tents offer a picture of misery. They weren't even cleaned of last year's trash. The taps have been stolen, instead the beer is now available as a container made from two cans of Penny beer. At least it's bright!

However, many people like the price: instead of 15 euros per liter, you only pay 8 euros - so you can drink almost twice as much as usual. Many middle class people therefore manage to overcome their fear of communism. Alternatively, there is only goose wine, as the water is called by the comrades, and for the hardened cynics from the autonomous scene, lots of Molotov cocktails.

There are also long faces in front of the menus: instead of pork knuckle and roast ox, chicken and Steckerlfisch, this year they only have dry bread. The Politburo still has to vote on the binding daily specials in the next few days. The only thing that is certain is that there are classics like the infamous WG vegetable pan (“rice with shit”) and signature dishes of the former GDR (“sausage goulash”, “dead grandma”). Visitors will be thrilled by the prizes – everyone gives as much as they can; Of course, not so much that every guest has to help with the washing up afterwards.

Everyone is still looking forward to the tapping of the barrel at twelve o'clock sharp at Schottenhamel. Munich's new mayor Dominik Krause, as a Green, sympathizes with the movement, but was alienated by the revolutionary rhetoric of the organizers. To be on the safe side, he will say “O’zapft is!” stay and not chant as suggested: “No God, no state, no patriarchy!”

The Left's classic work ethic could also cause problems: there are already a lot of telephone sick notes for the opening day, and whether the festival tents can sell enough canned beer duo packs if no one shows up on time at the preliminary meeting on Friday seems doubtful, people!

The music will probably be a bit boring too. The Marseillaise and “The Internationale” are fixed, each with breaks for the tuschs. On the podium in the Hofbräu tent, the Alman Brothers Band repeatedly chants “De tu querida presencia, Comandante Che Guevara!” chant until everyone gets it down their throats – along with the beer that has been pent up.

In the coming days, the musicians want to rehearse “7 days long”, “Anarchy in the U.K.”, “A little peace” and something by Napalm Death so that the nausea doesn't go away. In this way, at least the traditional Oktoberfest atmosphere is ensured.

However, the Munich tourism authority warns that the entirety of the measures could scare away the large, international audience. She is supported by the eternally complaining middle class. On the other hand, the professional revolutionaries, the NGOs and the Christian Socialist Union around the eternal opportunist Markus Söder see huge opportunities for our state. Together they want to fill the gap in authority left by the completely run-down conservatives under Merz and Linnemann.

Just as the Munich Soviet Republic crowned the overthrow of the monarchy in Germany, the dawn of eco-socialism could finally begin with this year's Oktoberfest.