The truth: New brooms work well

Football Germany is as excited as a flash: the first games with the new national coach are coming up. You are guaranteed to win, the only question is how much: ten to zero, twenty to zero or even a hundred to zero? We allow ourselves to be surprised.

The new national coach is very popular. He is showered with advance praise. Rightly so, because it makes everything better. The players, the staff, the external representation. Above all, he ensures that Germany practically always wins. Just like before. 1939 to 1941. And then again 1954 to 2014. That was normal.

Things really went downhill when the old national coach came, the direct predecessor of the new one. It was said to have been very bad. A bad asshole. No idea about absolutely nothing. As soon as he left, everyone suddenly miraculously agreed on that point. Before that, they smeared him with honey for years.

But in retrospect, more and more uncomfortable truths come to light. It's not just that he never showed up at the stadium for Bundesliga games. No, he is also said to have said that football itself was completely beyond his liking. He prefers water hockey and would have taken the job just for the money. “An idiot’s game by idiots for idiots,” he reportedly said, calling football fans “poop in human form.”

This is being freely claimed on all sides, now that the guy is gone and can no longer defend himself. Some who defended him before the World Cup are now rumoring that he killed his wife with a homemade Bakelite nose drill. Still others want to know that he stole a loaf of bread. And the sparrows would whistle from the rooftops that the old national coach wanted to destroy German football from within on Putin's behalf in exchange for plenty of rubles.

In any case, one hears unanimously, he was a colossal criminal. Of course, all of this is completely unsubstantiated because no one really understands the sparrows in a reliable way. They could just as easily have chimed in some classic bird internals, for example where the best grains are or which cat is particularly crazy.

But no wonder they always lost under that. Once even against a baby team. Or at a technology fair in Kleinfeld against junk robots that kept falling over on their own. And even against a mixed representation of geraniums and pebbles, there was only one nil to nil. At some point the DFB's patience ran out and they replaced the old national coach with the new national coach.

Of course he does a lot for his popularity. He is a stroke of luck for German football - he was officially canonized on his second day of work. He shows up at a different stadium every few hours, even when there isn't a game on. No matter, then he sits down in the stands, looks down at the field and thinks of something great: a new tactic, with three players next to each other, and then a third jumps over them. Hahaha, that will confuse the opponents. Thousand to zero. Soon you will be a woodruff, a world champion, a space champion. He rubs his hands in anticipation.

He gets the tired players back on their feet and gives them new courage and self-confidence. Show them how to stop the ball with the inside and that you can give it away if a teammate is better. He makes the blind walk, the lame see, and the sidelined become clean. He heals cruciate ligament tears by laying on his hands or simply by making a poultice of arnica flowers around them.

At the suggestion of the new national coach, there will also be a new holiday: “National Team Day”. Instead of Christmas. He drives through the streets in an open car in his national jersey and throws camels into the crowd. He laughs and waves, as sympathetic with his huge white tusks as the beaver from the Dentagard commercial. The people cheer, “Kloppo, Kloppo!”, because that’s the name of the new national coach. That does something to the fans; This is incredibly effective when it comes to bonding with the team. No tactical discussion, no matter how thin, fits between team and supporter. These are pure basics.

The old national coach would still never have thought of it. At least just be nice for a second? You could have completely forgotten about it. Always snarky, always cheeky. Etiquette, communication, diplomacy: all missing. He certainly had his fair chance at the beginning. But as soon as he went out in public somewhere, the first thing he did was fart loudly. And next, insulted everyone present. At least that's what you tell yourself, and then it's probably true.