Self-experiment on the vibration plate: Good vibes, mostly

I'm standing in a Berlin shopping center with 70s chic in a tanning salon in a space cabin. Vibration waves slowly travel from my feet to my head. When I open my mouth slightly, my teeth chatter together and my skin itches after a few minutes because of the blood flow. I do vibration training, “it’s three times as efficient as exercise,” the person at the reception desk assured me.

The cabin is about 1 square meter wide and can do a lot. It's not just supposed to ensure that you stimulate your muscles through a vibration board in the floor. At the same time you are tanned on all sides by UV tubes or - in my case - roasted. There is also a “collage light”. (That's infrared light that rich people put on their faces as these white cyborg-like masks.) A fan blows from above and the plate shakes from below. The product promises “3 in 1”: anti-aging, soft tanning, fitness training. The device shapes the body, the body becomes the device.

I'm mainly concerned with one thing: minimizing stimuli. Fan down. But then back up again because otherwise the UV lamps would be far too hot on the skin. But they should actually be out anyway. Bad house is rattling in the speakers, the music has to stop too. Or do I change the channel? How can you still make such bad boxes today?

What excitement. But everything for the column... eh health. The vibration is intended to promote balance, support blood circulation, train muscles and tone the body. Tighten, tighten, tighten. “SHAPE” is written on the outside of the cabin, as if it were a problem with the human body that it does not yet have sufficient shape. The body is an object for optimization and that can only be optimized by those who have the money to do so. You don't need time anymore. Because we only have to spend 15 to 20 minutes on a vibrating plate while at the same time doing something against aging, for the tan and for the muscles. Zack, everything done in one go. The vibration plates in fitness and tanning studios are of course primarily designed for a female audience.

However, they have long been established in rehabilitation and competitive sports. During my last visit, my grandfather proudly presented me with a plate for home, which he used diligently after having a new hip joint inserted. Was it the reason that after just a few weeks he was able to walk again without any pain? Perhaps. Do you also need tanning and toning in addition to vibration? Probably not. But it's trendy. And of course the machine fits perfectly into today's system: it promises to do as much as possible for the body in as little time as possible.

So I stand there and vibrate. 20 minutes maximum. When I leave the cabin, I am happy about the safe ground beneath my feet. My stomach rumbles, my thighs glow. Would I do it again? Perhaps. However, a record like this cannot replace real sport, and above all the fun of sport and taking the time for it.