Ear Swab Accident: My Q-tip, my earwax, my blood

Recently it hit me all of a sudden. I go to the bathroom as quickly as I can and grab an ear swab, a “real” Q-tip, from the bathroom cabinet. I put it in my left ear. I turn the tool slightly, first to the left and then to the right. I repeat the same thing in the right ear. My face in the bathroom mirror: full of pain and pleasure. I know: I'm doing what I love most of all the things you can do in the whole world.

Then it happens. I get cocky and turn the chopstick in circles again - it makes a pop. Then it's quiet. The pain only sets in afterwards. I stand in front of the mirror, surprised and aghast; I have become quite pale. I pull the stick very carefully. It's stuck.

I try to put something on that I can leave the house with. I'm just wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts, which is also what I slept in. No underwear underneath. I put on a large white men's shirt and slip into shoes without laces. It starts to bleed slightly from my ear.

I carefully walk down the five floors and take the U8 to the nearest ENT practice. The woman in the waiting room waves me forward. The other patients also look surprisingly unsurprised when they see me.

Then I will be called. The doctor grins and says, “Cough.” With another pop, he pulls the stick out of my ear while I simulate a cough and holds it up with the tweezers. It is very yellow and very slightly bloody.

The doctor says my eardrum is not perforated. He warns me not to use Q-tips anymore. He puts the stick in a small clear plastic bag. I ask if I can have it. He says no. I ask him if it isn't my property - my Q-tip, my earwax, my blood? He says no. He puts the transparent bag in a drawer.