The Kushner-Jeffries Tapes

William Hogarth, “The Poling,” Four Prints of an Election, plate 3, 1759. British Museum.

A clandestine rendez-vous was recently held between Jared Kushner, son-in-law of Donald Trump, and Rep. Hakeem Jeffries, House Democratic Minority Leader. The date and location are uncertain, but the smuggled recording suggests it was at a private residence, perhaps Steve Witkoff’s penthouse on the Highline in Chelsea. The following transcript has been edited for length:

Unknown voice, probably the butler’s: “Right this way sir and be seated. I’m sure Mr. Kushner will be with you shortly.”

Jeffries: “I hope he gets here soon. Nobody knows I’m…” A cellphone rings. Jeffries says: “Um, I have to take this. Do you mind…” [steps can be heard receding, and a door closing]

“Hi Chuck. Yes, I saw the Instagram just like everybody else. And yes, she has a nice tummy… [pause] “No Chuck, that doesn’t mean you don’t… [pause] “No Chuck, I don’t think that would work for you…” [pause again] “Look, we’ll just have to see what AOC decides. Of course you’re my favorite Leader. I gotta go, I hear Jared coming.”

Kushner: “Hi Hakeem, glad you could make it on such short notice. It’s technically still Shabbat, but Donald gave me rabbinic dispensation to see you because this…”

Kushner: “Of course, barukh hu.” [Editor’s note: the Hebrew phrase means “blessed be him.]

Jeffries: “Are you speaking today for him or yourself?”

Jeffries: “OK, so what’s the deal you’re offering? What do you want”

Kushner: If you become House Speaker and Schumer Senate Majority Leader, we want no subpoenas about Arab investment in my fund, Affinity Partners. Tell that schmegegge Jamie Raskin it’s not a crime for us to collect $160 million in management fees while generating no profits. It happens all the time. Never heard of ‘zombie funds’? Anyway, why would the Saudis bribe me for access to Trump when they can bribe him directly!”

Jeffries: “OK, makes sense. What else do you want?”

Kushner: “No impeachment. Been there, done that.”

Jeffries: “I’m sympathetic, but not sure about the caucus. And what else…?”

Kushner: “No investigation of Trump’s attacks on universities, law firms, and non-profits. No inquiry into ICE murd… um, self-defense operations. Forget about Iran – we have; Gaza too.. And the quote-un-quote drug boats. And def no poking into Kennedy’s vaccines and phony autism thing. Don’t even think about touching the Ballroom and the Arch de Trumph. The boss’s name goes back on the Kenndy Center. Drill, baby drill, leave Hegseth alone, and lay off sweet Natalie Harp!”

Jeffries: “Wow, those are big asks! The biggest! So, what does my side get in return?”

Stephen F. Eisenman is emeritus professor at Northwestern University and Honorary Research Fellow at the University of East Anglia. He is the author of a dozen books, the latest of which (with Sue Coe), is titled “The Young Person’s Illustrated Guide to American Fascism,” (OR Books, 2014). He is also co-founder of Anthropocene Alliance. Stephen welcomes comments and replies at [email protected]